u·nique

  [yoo-neek]  Show IPA

adjective

having no like or equal; unparalleled; incomparable:

“I’m not like other girls.”
It’s something that people say to make themselves seem mysterious or to feel special in some way, when in reality they’re probably fundamentally like the others.Or so I thought. Recently I came across a pack of letters that people had written to me during my Discipleship Training School with YWAM and I noticed one word that kept cropping up. “Unique.”

Having grown up despising the girls at school (at least on some level) whose attitude revealed they thought they were better than the other girls, I always thought it was an abhorrent quality to think that you were special in any way and as a result never thought there was anything particularly interesting or desirable about me. I grew up under the radar, known mostly as “shy” or “smart” or even “snobby” as a side effect of my extreme introversion. The boys whose attention I coveted always found someone else more to their tastes so I always felt as if I was hovering somewhere at the edge of their awareness, my presence merely tolerated. People over the years would tell me that I was creative but I always felt like I had fooled them somehow, that everything I did was just a weak copy of someone else’s. I was always the last of my friends to do things. The last to have a first boyfriend, the last to have a first kiss, the last to move out on my own, the last to be married.

It’s starting to make sense now why I wasn’t open to receiving a lot of the things that the Lord was speaking over me during my time with YWAM. For a long time I felt like there must be something wrong with me or that I wasn’t worth it to the people in my life who I felt never understood me or left without a thought or backward glance.

I’ll admit as a 27 year old single woman living in the bible belt where the average age a woman gets married is 22, I’ve doubted that it will ever happen. After each failed relationship the doubt sets in all over again. Yeah I’m unique all right, so unique that it feels sometimes that no one will ever want me. I felt this very deeply during my DTS because just before attending I lost the only person I felt like I had ever truly loved and who had ever really understood and loved me. But this of course is a lie and certainly not what the Lord has been trying to get me to grasp over the years. The following is a list of the things that my outreach team had to say to me during our time of debrief in Nepal. I want to stress that at the time these things were said, I was exhausted in every way that a person can be. The three months that I lived in Nepal were not easy in any way and I felt like my time had been wasted, that I hadn’t made a difference, maybe even wasn’t meant to come, and that I had been more of a hindrance than a help. I was doubting my calling and feeling pretty hopeless that I would ever find what I was created for. This could be why I’m just now accepting the truth of these words.

“-Picture: The Lord outlining a star and cutting it out. He has created you uniquely. He is preparing you for good works.

-God’s going to use your deep caring heart. You know when someone is hurting. You are a blessing.
-Stepping out in speaking and writing. Very clear and direct. Don’t doubt the wisdom from God.

-Trying new things. You will find the way that works.

-Strength, even when things were tough.

-Beautiful language and words.

-Always there when friends need you. Loyal friend.
-Courage. Took courage to come here, will take courage when you go home.

-Perserverence. James 1:2-4. Strength in God. Be proud of what you’ve done.

-Great love.

-Speaking and writing. Genuine.

-Picture:window into your heart and what God is doing in you.

-Blessing people with being real.

-Memory and love of stories, beautiful gift.

-Beauty for ashes.

-Picture: You and the Lord in a field. Song of songs 6:3,5,9 let the Lord read this over you.

-Picture: opening a door from darkness to light. Excitement. The Lord has new things for you.

-He is with you.

So yes, I am created uniquely. I may still be single and seemingly without purpose when the rest of my friends have been married for years and have settled into their careers or their role as a parent. I may feel like my life is a joke sometimes and find myself laughing at the irony of it. I may have no idea what I’m doing with my life and just living out one big process of elimination until I figure it out. But I was created this way with purpose. As were each of us. The Lord knows my love for small details that other people don’t notice, He knows my love for storytelling and for authenticity in other people. He knows that I am gifted with faith and that all of this will come to fruition one day in a way so complex and beautifully crafted that I will be overwhelmed by the joy of it. He knows because he created me to be this way. And I have no idea where I will be five, ten or fifteen years from now. Maybe I’ll be a caravaning gypsy, or living in a developing nation with dozens of kids that I’ve adopted, or writing the screenplay adaptation of my first published book. Who knows? But I do know this with certainty now.

I am not like other girls.

There once was a girl.
She was happy and believed in magic.
She believed that Jesus loved her and that anything was possible.
This girl loved to sing and use her imagination.
She liked to explore and dreamed that one day she would fly to Neverland/pass through the looking glass/travel through the wardrobe.

The girl grew up.
She still wants to believe that anything is possible.
She still looks for magic in the world.
She still explores. Farther and farther from home.
She's not sure where her home is anymore.
Life has tried to make her bitter.
She has loved, trusted and lost too many people.
She doesn't love so easily any more.

She finds herself in a vast ocean.
For years it seems.
Sometimes the waves buffet her back and forth and she has trouble keeping her head above water.
Sometimes she floats on her back and feels peaceful.
But she's been treading water for a long time.
With no land or rescue in sight.
And she grows tired.

I miss writing.
But see, for me, writing is actually putting pen to paper. It's the side of your hand turning blue (especially if you're a leftie like me) to match the color of your pen. It's your skin going all tingly from constantly moving across the paper. But it's not really writing unless it goes on for pages and pages. And it just hasn't struck me lately.
Hm.

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
1. I want to be a foster mom one day
2. I am ambidextrous- I write and eat with my left hand, brush my teeth and hold scissors with my right hand
3. I always become too emotionally invested in fictional characters
4. Elephants are my fave
5. I hate and also love the fact that my friends are scattered all over the globe
6. I pretty much always notice when people use incorrect grammar, and it bugs me
7. I have lost count of the books that I am currently reading
8. I have the cutest dogs ever
9. I really don't like being a grown up, and practically speaking I'm only like halfway there
10. I wish I'd retained more about sewing from my home ec class in 8th grade
11. I like wearing sweaters and scarves
12. I still sleep with stuffed animals
13. I like weird indie movies
14. I am legitimately trying to write a book, but I've got to come up with some sort of process cause I'm so overwhelmingly disorganized that most of the time when I try to sit down and write something, I give up before I start
15. It would probably help if I had some sort of document writing software on my computer, which I do not. All of the writing happens on paper, by hand. And then gets misplaced.
16. I do not live under the misconception that I am by any means a good writer or that my "book" will get published one day.
17. I like to make things
18. But I get distracted easily
19. And I'm lazy
20. I would like to learn another language (but there are those problems of 18 and 19 so...)

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
apathy-because I suffer from it a lot of the time
mediocrity-kind of goes along with the first fear. I want my life to be passionate and adventurous, I don't want to get to the end of it and wonder what the point was.
child birth-I think this one's pretty legit without me having to elaborate

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
Uh, well I have great parents. They've always been pretty much supportive of me and I can't complain. I just don't relate to them well, it's hard for me to talk to them and hard for me to live with them a lot of the time too. But I am grateful that they haven't kicked me out of the house, cause I'm poor.

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
1. Stop being a selfish brat
2. Being a Christian is more than "being good"
3. Brett will use you, have some self respect and do not let him
4. It's ok that you're always the last of your friends to do everything, that's not going to change any time soon.
5. Lauren hates you right now, but she really will be one of your best friends one day
6. When you meet Sam, don't take his friendship for granted, one day you will ache from the loss of it
7. Your best friends now are still going to be your friends in 10 yrs, no worries.
8. Probably just skip college completely, k? Get a job in a coffee shop instead.
9. You will still be babysitting for the Farrell's in 10 years, it will get better
10. A long time from now, you will meet a guy named Andrew...don't let him be the one to kiss you first, ok?


5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
1. "I will never leave you nor forsake you" <~ that promise from God
2. The friends I have that remind me who I am and what my dreams are
3. I am so enormously blessed every day in countless small ways
4. Mail from my YWAM fam!
5. Having the time and the means (sometimes) to be creative

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
Living for 3 months in Nepal. It was for multiple reasons and for things that were going on in my life before I ever got there. I learned a lot about perseverance and giving up any silly notion that I have any control over my life, when God is the one that is in control. I am a planner, and it was impossible to ever plan anything in advance in Nepal. Winging it makes me super uncomfortable most of the time and that's all we ever did.

7. What is your dream job, and why?
See my earlier post about my coffee shop

8. What are 5 passions you have?
1. To see an end to modern day slavery
2. To see people experience the freedom and peace that only Jesus can give
3. To see people treated fairly
4. To live an extraordinary life with a radical faith
5. To show love to children that have only ever been shown/told that they are unwanted

9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
1. Sarah Freeman-my team leader for my Faceless International trip to LA in 2009. I credit her for opening my eyes to human trafficking, and for suggesting that I apply to YWAM. Basically I owe her a lot, and I'm very thankful that God brought her into my life.
2. Kelsi Webb-my life long bestie, she is such a godly woman, I look up to her so much. I can't remember any time in my life that she wasn't my friend and some of the best memories that I have are because of her. I could go on for awhile, but I won't.
3. Stan Harwood-talked me into to taking Perspectives back in the day! without that class I would definitely not be the person that I am, I have always believed in God, I was baptized when I was 13, but I consider myself truly becoming a follower of Christ when I took this class 5ish years ago
4. Sam Coons-Hm, I suppose that Sam was a season of my life. We were very close friends for 6 years, and it was a huge test of my faith when he chose to end our friendship. God revealed so much to me about His faithfulness during the healing that took place.
5. Andrew Buechler-do I have to give an explanation for every person? my first boyfriend, taught me a lot about what I do NOT want in a spouse, that what you think you want does not always turn out to be what you actually want, and that I like the person that I am without someone trying to make me someone else
6. My sisters- I think is pretty much a given, when you grow up in the same house with someone they're going to influence the person that you become.
7. Ashley Gardner-One of my best friends, we met...11 years ago I think? Been through a lot together. She has definitely demonstrated to me what true loyalty and unconditional love looks like within a friendship. My fellow Hanson fan and just kindred spirit :) I'm blessed to be considered her best friend
8. Chali Lewis- Another one of my besties! How do people pick just one?? We went through beauty school together, and Perspectives. She has been a huge source of encouragement to me, especially since coming home from NZ, and even while I was there. I'm so grateful that with her own family to take care of, she still takes a genuine interest in my life and makes time to be my friend!
9. Ainsley Kensall-Oh my 6 month roomie. It sounds silly, but I feel like living with Ainsley taught me so much about handling conflict with someone that you love, right away without letting it fester or "letting the sun go down on your anger" I feel like I did a lot of growing up while living with her.
10. Sarah Racine-my lovely small group leader, taught me to be confident about speaking things out during intercession, that God speaks to each of us differently and not to doubt myself

10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
I'm not going to describe it in detail. But I definitely burst into tears during our seminar in Nepal while sharing my testimony in front of everyone and then I had to finish teaching while repeating myself multiple times so that the translator could understand me over my crying.

11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
1. bad grammar
2. being woken up before my alarm goes off
3. being interrupted while I am reading, especially if it's the last page of a book
4. dripping faucets
5. talk radio
6. when people use "lol"
7. any sort of repetitive sound like a ticking clock or a barking dog, especially when trying to sleep
8. t-shirts with foreign languages on them...you don't know what your shirt says, why are you wearing it? Although in Nepal it was pretty funny. I saw an older man wearing a shirt that said "World's Best Aunt"
9. when someone tries to force me to make a decision that also affects them, because they don't want to take responsibility for it
10. toilet paper roll being empty....just put a new one on there

12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
Oh goodness, besides waking up and spending about an hour of God time, my days don't consist of  whole lot. Usually I have some sort of project that I'm working on while watching my way through a season of something on Netflix. Or I work a 7 hr shift at Target pharmacy, depending on the day

13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
1. I am easily distracted, therefore start a lot of things without finishing them
2. I am lazier than I care to admit
3. I tend to more readily believe the negative things people say to me than the positive
4. I tend to worry about things I have no control over
5. I am introverted and have trouble forcing myself into social situations some of the time. This explains why I can go to the same church every week for 9 months and not meet anyone.

14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
1. I have an insanely good memory
2. I'm pretty good at accents
3. I read really fast
4. I apparently have spiritual gifts in worship, writing and discernment, according to an extensive quiz thing that I took recently
5. I have a pretty extensive background in childcare, which I imagine will be a good strength to have once I am a mom

15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
well according to that "lion, beaver, retriever or otter" quiz, I am an otter! And otters are pretty cool. Here is the description:
Otters are petite, engaging creatures overflowing with positive energy. Intelligent and bright, they are also popular, eminently lovable and display the highly developed social skills that typify the small carnivores. Otters mix easily with a wide range of animal personalities.
Lazy? Let's just say easily distracted. Life has so many diversions for the otter that it's impossible to predict how it will fill its day. But when an otter gets focused on a problem, its keen intelligence rises to the challenge and it will not give up until the nut is cracked.
Otters feel entitled to the good things in life and a general sense of well being gives them the confidence to not have to save for the future.
Although intelligent and witty, otters have a tendency to suffer from self-doubt and fear of failure can prevent them from living up to their true potential. Still, they are great problem solvers, with the ability to spend endless hours on abstract or practical challenges. As workers, they are dedicated and capable and always eager for a chance to prove themselves.
Their determination makes otters valuable employees, and although they often feel that their contributions are undervalued they would rather accept lower pay than risk confrontations in their workplace.
Although they are fine motivators otters avoid taking leadership roles, performing better in group situations with their social skills coming in handy when counseling coworkers through their problems. Their dexterous hands are useful in a wide range of careers, and they're ideally suited for work in engineering, advertising, and design.

Seems pretty legit...except for the whole penchant for engineering thing.


16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
accomplishments? Um...I suppose graduating from high school and cosmetology school, although I've never had a job where I needed to use either diploma. Definitely graduating from my DTS with YWAM. Remember my most embarrassing moment? I consider finishing that session (while crying) a pretty big accomplishment. Annnd...making it through 3 months in Nepal without throwing up even once!

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
Playing piano, and creating music

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
personally? Sam telling me that it's not worth being my friend anymore, and exemplifying that I simply wasn't worth it when someone else was
in general? it's pretty difficult for me to accept that God loves child molesters/traffickers as much as he loves their victims...I don't know if that's considered a form of forgiveness, but I try to remember that they are his creation as well, they are just very broken.

19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
I would live somewhere in which each season gets an equal share of the year (without it going over 90 degrees in the Summer) and ALL of my friends would live close by. This place does not exist.

20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

1. My great Uncle Art died when I was 7. I think that was my first experience with someone dying who I saw on a regular basis and knew that I was really going to miss. He was a greeter at our church when I was a kid and my family was late EVERY week. Uncle Art always waited in the foyer for us to arrive so that he could give us all hugs before he went into the sanctuary. Such a sweetie!
2. I remember very fervently praying to God that if we got to choose what age we are in heaven that I wanted to be 7 years old, with my friend Kelsi, and that no matter how much I prayed differently in the future to just not listen
3. I moved from Kentucky to Oklahoma when I was 10

21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
Teleporting. I would visit all of my friends. I would say time travel, but that could get really messy.

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
Hopefully married, married and still married.

23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
1. Reading-the Reading Rainbow theme song says it all
2. Writing
3. Photography
4. Being crafty
5. I'm just starting this, but geocaching

24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
I guess I don't really think it's that different

25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
Well I used to have plans to have a reese's pieces party in Heaven with Jesus one day. But since the third party that I made these plans with is no longer my friend and I found out that I can no longer eat Reese's Pieces because they are not manufactured by a fair trade company...I suppose that I would still have dinner with Jesus. I would have Thanksgiving dinner with Jesus. Or pizza, cause pizza's always good. Unless you try to order some at a Nepali restaurant. Then prepare yourself.

26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
That divorce is an okay thing.

27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
my arms, cause I can hug with them :)

28. What is your love language?
haha, physical touch (see above)

29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
That when I'm not talking it doesn't mean that I don't like you or that I'm mad or sad or shy or not listening to the conversation, it just means I don't feel like I have anything worth adding/saying

30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.
I don't need to list 10 things
1. Loving Jesus and loving people.

Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.
Deuteronomy 8:2-3

This would have been a helpful memory verse in Nepal

I always thought that an "enemy" was someone that I felt antagonistic toward. But according to definition, an enemy is someone that wishes you harm. So I suppose that makes me the enemy. So when I'm meant to pray for my "enemies" who do I pray for? I'll keep praying for the people that I struggle to love, cause I don't want to be their enemy either.

and we refer to Satan as his forces as The Enemy...

I know that hardly anyone reads this, so I'm not really getting the word out there or anything, but I just have to get this off of my chest.
Ok, so I watched a show this week in which the good "Christian" girl lost her virginity before marriage and then freaked out afterward because shewas saving herself for her husband because she "loves Jesus" and "Jesus hates" her now and she's not even sure that he will listen to her prayers anymore. She goes on and on about how,
"I love Jesus so much and I was ashamed to tell anyone before but his relationship was the only one that I could rely on, blah blah blah"
Oh my goodness, I would like to take a moment to clear up any wrongly conceived notions that Hollywood has given to Christianity. If this girl truly had a relationship with Jesus, she would know that there is absolutely nothing that you can do that will ever cause Jesus to stop loving you. He's never going to turn a deaf ear to your prayers, even if you're a serial child molester.
We are all human, we all make human mistakes whether or not we acknowledge or even recognize that a mistake has been made. We have been redeemed and God not only desires, but demands, that we enter his presence with the knowledge that we are INNOCENT and FREE!
It breaks my heart that most of the first world has got it all wrong. Who was it that asked whether or not media gives Christians a bad name? I can't remember but wow, I think the answer is a resounding yes.